heart broken open...

i had such a profound experience during my meditation this morning, i feel compelled and led to share a portion of the awakening...

'heart broken open' - 2009, journal sketch

i do not usually bring something so personal to this place but i am encouraged to believe that it just might help others who are struggling with something at this very moment...

during my meditation i was feeling heartbroken, desolate and in pain...both physically and spiritually...as i look inward, i find that i am unable to ask for help and, even when it is offered, i find it difficult to accept...yet, i have the capacity to willingly offer and give help as empathy is a large thread running through my nature...and i admit that i might, just might, need help at this time...

while journaling after my meditation this morning, i had a moment of clarity when i wrote, "the brokenness of my heart might, just might, be necessary for me to open my heart and accept help from God, friends, and even the universe."...albeit a forced opening, but an opening nonetheless....

'heart in a box' - 2007, acrylic on paper

now this opening of my heart is extremely painful...no, it is excruciatingly painful to the point i want to keep my heart in a box so it will be protected (actually it has been in a box for most of my life...you can read about it here and here...and even here...I write about trust issues a lot)

so my heart must be broken in order for it to heal...healing comes on gentle whispers to me, not in a roaring flood...healing is a gradual, sometimes difficult and almost always painful, journey for me...

'pieces of my heart' - 2009 acrylic on canvas

this opening up and pouring forth from my heart to yours is perhaps necessary for my healing to begin for a step toward acceptance begins the long journey into healing...from what was a small fissure, the tiny crack in my heart seemed to grow and the pieces of my heart were flung asunder...like a million tiny stars that blanket the sky on a clear night....

gathering these pieces of my heart together, fusing and mending it slowly is where the healing is leading me...that tiny fissure that i thought was bad and frightened me at first glance...is perhaps best viewed as a good thing, a necessary thing...for true authentic healing comes by going through the pain and coming out on the other side better...stronger...more alive...

i am not writing today in sadness or self-pity...that road has taken me nowhere over the past year...i write wholly within acceptance and awareness of my smallness in this vast universe of ours...embracing the fact that i am in the midst of healing...my spirit and my life...and it is painful...

my heart is indeed broken open...pouring forth to those of you who are ready to hear my story...and begin your own journey...

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